How to Avoid Pulling Rank

You find yourself doing it a lot - pulling rank. You don't mean to, but you just get so angry or impatient when things aren't going your way, so that it seemed like the only way to get your message through. Here are some ways to avoid that particular 'highway'.

1. Understand what it means "to pull rank". Certainly, you don't have to be in the armed services to do it. It can happen at home – "It's my house", or as a parent – "I brought you into this world...", or as a spouse – "This is my way of doing it and you can lump it", or as a colleague – "I have 10 years of journalistic experience, so I definitely think I know more than you do about this", and in many other contexts of your life. These examples are clear demonstrations of the many possible ways of pulling rank within your personal and professional life. Pulling rank is pretty much about using manipulation or one-upmanship to get what you want without being considerate of the other person's feelings, experience or knowledge and without being concerned at how arrogant or single-minded you're coming across.
2. Decide whether pulling rank is something you're guilty of occasionally or frequently. Occasionally many people are tempted to pull rank when they feel that another person isn't taking them seriously or is attempting to push them around somewhat. Other times, it may simply be because you're tired and want some space back for yourself, such as when a spouse won't stop chattering or a teen keeps pushing your buttons. Occasional rank pulling can be easily apologized for and life goes back to normal. It becomes a problem when you use rank pulling tactics all the time as a way to make other people conform to your point of view, to override any dissension to your way of seeing things or to keep people in your life under control. Signs that relying on rank pulling tactics might be out of control for you include:
   • You're always reminding people about your qualifications, experience and expertise. Think about it this way though – if you feel that people need to be told, then it isn't obvious you have what it takes, which means that you're not actually performing to the standards you're bandying about.
   • You're always resorting to stand-over tactics to get others to do things for you rather than seeking collaborative, negotiated or compromised approaches to your relationships with others. It's "my way or the highway" as far as you're concerned and you feel disoriented and distrustful if new approaches are thrust upon you.
   • You insist that people acknowledge your interest and expertise in a matter even though everyone else about you has the same level of ability or knowledge. This is common in a workplace context or within hobby/volunteer/sporting etc. associations where passion drives everyone but you feel that your vision or drive is somehow superior to the passions of others.
   • You broach no feedback, talk back or dissension from people in your life, be they colleagues, subordinates at work, children or spouse at home, friends, etc. Should anyone persist, you feel easily hurt or angered that they appear to be overriding your status.
3. Take a step back. Look at the situation. Try to pinpoint the real cause behind the need to pull rank over others. There are many possibilities but at the very least, ask yourself these questions:
   • Do I feel threatened?
   • Do I think people won't take me seriously unless I spell it out for them just why I matter?
   • Am I feeling that I need to take control over a situation or over people?
   • Do I have feelings of arrogance, disdain or condescension toward anybody or a group of people?
   • Am I finding things difficult to understand or is change threatening the ways I have always done things?
   • Am I behind the times? Is my knowledge outdated and I feel helpless?
   • Are people treating me differently from others around me because they're afraid of me or don't want to upset me?
   • Am I bossy?
   • Do I have personality disorders that I haven't sought treatment for?
4. Examine your motives. As well as asking yourself why you feel the need to pull rank, you also need to deal with what outcomes you hope to achieve by pulling rank on others. Pulling rank is often rooted in a need to control people and/or situations because you'd like to see certain outcomes assured. It involves believing that perfect outcomes are possible and you may well have perfectionist tendencies and very little leeway for what you perceive as stupidity, slowness or slackness in others. This doesn't mean you're aiming to be mean spirited or nasty necessarily but it can mean that you have emotional blinkers when it comes to other people's feelings and you are only concerned about getting things right than about caring about the people involved. Some things to ask yourself include:
   • Am I trying to cause emotional injury?
   • Do I want to hurt someone emotionally or mentally? Do I want them to feel that their efforts aren't good enough for me, for anyone?
   • Do I care if you hurt someone?
   • Do I take time to consider the feelings of the people I pull rank on?
   • Do I enjoy the feeling that people are responding to me out of fear or worry that they can't match up to my standards?
5. Think about a time when you have pulled rank on someone in your life. What statement did you use to pull rank? Was it true or were you just "blowing smoke" to get the other person to react? What would be your response if someone said the same thing to you?
   • It is suggested that you write down some responses to the rank pulling statements that you've made recently, as if these statements have been made to you. Work through this to see just how hard it is to respond to such statements and to note how it feels to have someone pull rank on you and through that to thereby question your efforts, abilities, values, etc.
6. Make up your mind to stop pulling rank on people. Look for alternate solutions to getting people to listen to you and to follow your perspective. There are lots of ways, such as showing interest in what they have to say, listening to them and waiting respectfully for them to reciprocate, helping their ideas come into fruition as a collaborative effort, and offering to help teach instead of preach. Once you recognize that you are rank pulling and you can see the damage it's inflicting on your relationships, finding other ways to engage with the people in your life will turn into a much more fulfilling approach to your interactions. And you're far more likely to see the outcomes you really are looking for.
   • Realize that pulling rank isn't always wrong. Sometimes there may be an occasion when it is the only way to get an arrogant or wayward person to listen. But on the whole, it's a misguided approach to the majority of your relationships so be very wary of using it and be sparing in its application. It's the same as knowing when to pick your battles and which ones to leave!
   • Read How to give praise instead of criticism for some tips on how to turn a desire to criticize other people into a desire to praise and motivation to achieve the behavior you'd rather see in another person.
7. Talk to someone. If you are too close to the entire situation, it is a good idea to find someone who is not involved personally, so that you can talk it through. It can be a therapist, but it doesn't have to be. Try talking to a friend, a spiritual adviser, a counselor or even an acquaintance who is willing to listen. Be aware that we seldom listen to the free advice that we get from our friends; usually, we need to hear the same thing from a paid therapist before we listen, so be aware of that prejudice about your nearest and dearest.
8. Improve your argument and discussion skills. Pulling rank is your anger starting to spiral out of control and it will get worse if you lack the verbal and word skills needed to put across your point clearly without rancor. When it has gotten to that point, you are probably well on the way of losing self-control, or at the very least, you'll have lost control of the subject. Read widely on the subject of improving your discussion and argument skills, as well as on negotiating and being emotionally intelligent. In addition, there are many classes or workshops on communication that you can take both online and in your local area. In your own community, there might be classes run at night in community centers and high schools or specialist workshops run by therapists at their clinics. Ask your doctor or a therapist for a steer in the right direction.
   • Aim to learn skills of persuasion. Being gently persuasive can be far more effective and enduring than any amount of rank pulling and displays of power or anger.
   • Be amiable, friendly and kind. You will impress people far more with kindness and friendliness than with intolerance and irritability. It's a lot harder to let down or undermine someone who is kind but strong than someone who is angry but weak.
   • Distract. Learn to distract people from their bones of contention by offering better solutions, better ideas and better wins targeted at ensuring them of a winning outcome too, not one at their expense.
9. Learn to be clear and precise in what you ask for. People who pull rank are often so close to being explosive or impatient that they generalize and make all sorts of demands without being specific or reel off insults which hurt but solve nothing. If you know what you want (and this may be part of what you need to work on), then ask for it with absolute clarity and a sense of purpose. People sit up and pay attention to a person exuding purpose and clarity and will acknowledge that your determination is likely to exceed their refusal to come around to your way of thinking.
10. Maintain control by not allowing yourself to be sidetracked. There are times when the person with whom you are talking tries to derail the conversation in their favor by going left field with their comments and trying to make everything about themselves. Keep that in mind, and don't allow it to happen. Keep focused and continue to bring the discussion back to the point that you're trying to make in a gentle but firm manner. Eventually the other person will realize that you mean what you're saying and you're not going to be bamboozled by gloss or left field points. It is important to remain calm and to make it clear that once the matter has been discussed, it won't become a broken record between the two of you – resolve it, then move on. Don't hold grudges and don't bring up past issues again and again; this will let others know that you're strong enough to learn from past mistakes and to forgive others, making it easier for them to be more transparent and honest with you.
11. Stop. If your argument or discussion develops to the point of shouting inanities at each other, like "It's my house and I said so", then it's time to take a break. If this happens a lot, try using a "safety word". When your talk is going nowhere, more than likely you both need to stop. Have an agreed upon word that, when said, stops everything, leave each other's presence for a break and return later when you've both cooled down and can resume a normal discussion.