How to Change How You Think About Popularity

Changing your perspective about popularity can be hard. Popularity means a great deal to some people, especially for those whose competitive nature always sees them trying to rope their way up the ladder. But is there really a ladder? What will people do just to get one step closer to being popular? Is it really as great as it seems? Is it really... worth it?

1. Understand the different types of popularity. There are a number of "types" of popularity and each comes with its own distinct elements and drawbacks:
• Friendly - The nice person who everyone wants to be friends with; this method of being popular easily turns into being popular for being a people pleaser, and such a person is never far away from being dropped or ignored should the friendliness not deliver on demands.
• Funny - A Funny person is the type who can always get you to smile. They are rarely very depressed and even if they are, they don't blame others or give others a hard time. These make great friends and are often loved by the people around him or her. (Guys are not funnier than girls...)
• Mean - These are people who don't care who they hurt to get whatever they want. They will use insults, abuse and ignoring as means to destabilize any person who doesn't support their agenda. People who try to climb to the top will often act more like a Mean popular person without actually being "popular" yet.
• Queens - A queen is someone who is popular for acting far beyond their age (for example, dressing or acting like an 18 year old at the age of 12, playing boss when they're the receptionist, etc.).
• The Snob - This popular type tends to be bratty, rude and inconsiderate of anyone they don't feel is "good enough" for them, with a tendency to disdain anyone else's experience or lifestyle if they consider that they have had better experiences or own better houses, cars, etc.
• The Happener - This type just happens to be popular. It may be due to wealth, standing up for themselves all the time and not caring what others think, owning something others want, being related to someone famous, etc. While this person may not initially "manipulate" their popularity, if they do get too caught up in it, there may be a temptation to abuse the popularity for their own gain.
• It's up to you whether you find these categorizations fit with your world view (and you're free to add, subtract and change them in your own mapping of popularity), but whatever you decide, negative forms of popularity still remain unkind and unwanted.
2. Understand the potential negatives of popularity. Any popularity - even the apparently nice and friendly popular sort - is overrated but for some people, being popular makes them feel more important and motivated to achieve things in life. That can be a good thing if they don't use their popularity to hurt others. However, popularity used for personal gain at the expense of other people's dignity is harmful and unkind. Indeed, pointless self-centered social climbing that results in harm to certain people and that requires the popular person to distance themselves from others' feelings and to be selfish, arrogant and aloof, makes for a negative style of being popular that doesn't endear the popular person to people through love or respect. While such a person may feel that it's their popularity that has people responding to them, often it's fear and dislike that cause people to do their bidding in order to avoid possible negative consequences. That is hardly a good side of popularity!
   • Another big negative is how much time you have to spend with your friends. If you're too popular and everyone wants a minute with you, there won't be a minute in the day that you have to yourself or to spend with your close friends. Sometimes people who are too much in demand neglect themselves and wind up lonely because they don't have time for the friends they most care about. Acquaintances are casual and will drop you as soon as pick you up. Real friends stand by you when the wind blows against you.
   • People will get jealous and cruel. If you're perceived as popular you may get picked on for being a snob just for having some judgment about who you like or not. It can get rough.
3. Consider the popular person's tendency to judge others regularly. Judging is a thoughtless and often hurtful thing done without consideration for its truthfulness or its impact. To judge someone means the same thing as criticizing, but it's more emotionally based and is definitely colored by one's personal prejudices. Many of the people who are popular (normally the "ladder climbers"), tend to judge others whom they don't consider to be as high as them on the "social ladder" and they find them wanting according to their own value system. A person is found wanting when they don't fit the popular person's ideal of "the right kind of person to be seen with" and that means they've "judged the book by its cover" and refuse to get to know the other person any further.
   • How do you avoid judging people? Be aware that saying the simplest brush-off such as "whatever" or giving someone looks such as rolling your eyes and doing or saying anything that shows that you think another person is weird, awkward or different can affect someone in the deepest way. Moreover, you may feel frustrated or annoyed by someone else but that isn't a reason to find fault with other people. Often we find fault with another because it's an inner fault of our own that we're trying not to deal with. Always think before you act, and stop any judging before it gets worse.
   • Be aware that your body language plays a big part in issuing a judgment on another person. You can give someone the impression that you're criticizing them simply by crossing your arms, giving bored or "weirded-out" facial expressions, picking fluff off your as they talk or seeming like you aren't listening or that you're actively ignoring them. Instead of relying on these dismissive and ultimately cowardly ways of interacting with another human being, try a smile and look the person who is communicating in the eye. Even if you don't want to spend more than a minute in their presence, be thoughtful when you are in their field of vision and hearing and kindly respond back without blabbering on about yourself or giving them negative bodily expressions. Making people feel valued is a far better way to be popular (or at least respected) than disdaining or belittling them.
4. Treat everyone fairly. No-one deserves to be pointed out as someone who is different in a "bad" way. One good example would be the different responses given to jokes or statements made by a popular person and by someone who isn't: A girl considered to be "popular" says a joke, or a witty remark and everyone laughs. Yet, on the other hand, a supposed "nerd" says the same thing and everyone stares silently. If it was as funny to laugh at the "popular" person, why suddenly is it as boring to ignore the "nerd"? If this is popularity, why does everyone want it? By singling out someone for better treatment and singling out someone else for poor treatment, this negative aspect of popularity results in skewed values. Those who participate in this strange dichotomy are acting unfairly and are also conforming to the power being wielded unjustly by the popular person.
   • Fairness doesn't mean you have to hang around with people who don't click with you. Fairness means recognizing that regardless of other people's interests and approaches to life, their preferences are as equally valid as your own preference. All that that requires of any person is to acknowledge the value of the other person and to not abuse the differences between you for personal gain.
5. Consider the ills of conformity and maintaining a "front". Being Yourself is tough during the height of popularity. You'll feel pressured to change yourself to please others so that even while you're setting some of the trends, you're also ensuring that you fit in and don't deviate too much from the established "norm". Conformity during popularity includes such things as having to wear certain clothes, act in certain ways, say certain things and possibly even to do things you're not meant to or that go against your own beliefs and values. The number one golden rule in life is to be yourself, so when being popular loses sight of this need, it becomes negative. And once you've changed to fit the needs of popularity, there is often no going back, especially after you've convinced yourself that this is the only way to garner other people's interest in you.
   • Think about why everyone is so excited to change just to be able to sit in a big circle, to gossip at the water cooler or to have a certain date that everyone else has been drooling after?
   • Do what you think is right rather than what you think is popular; otherwise you will forever be the slave to other people's opinions and baying.
   • Consider that in order to be popular, you are often amplifying the less noble and more crass elements of society. That may shock you initially but think about it carefully and you may well be surprised at how much of popularity feeds off shortcomings and vices.
6. Resist labeling people nerds, geeks or any other form of terminology that sets them apart from the group as a whole. Labeling people can lead to misery and tears, self consciousness and even depression. Calling people "loners", "losers" or "freaks" is definitely hurtful as you're seeking to alienate them. And no, it's not okay if a Hollywood actor uses the term in a film; you should be able to recognize acting for what it is and not excuse yourself as a copycat.
   • Be aware that popularity through name-calling is simply mean and cruel. It does nothing for the name-caller's internal well-being and it ends up harming others by being disrespectful of their worth. Feelings matter, so the popular person needs to think about the impact of name-calling beyond merely establishing their own rank as a nasty
   • Name-calling often results in a retaliation by reclaiming, which takes away the power of the name-calling. It is commonplace for groups of people lumped together under a label to reclaim terms that were initially derogatory and carry their own source of pride in the term. So ultimately, all the popular name-caller has achieved is to drive the "different" people together into a collective that is capable of turning around and responding with a big "so what".
7. Reflect on whether actively pursuing popularity is really worth it, especially when it's only gained at the expense of others. Isn't it better to have your own real friends on whom you can rely and who say what they mean without sugar-coating it or abusing you? Sitting in a big circle or atop the "ladder" won't always ensure that you're also a good person and often the drive for maintaining popularity leaves you hollow within and unable to pursue your real self for fear of unmasking the ideal you've molded in order to be popular. Will everyone really back you up during the tough times, and make you feel like a golden star through the good times? Will they do this, or just let you sit with them at lunch? Sitting with the richest person with a huge house or hanging out with the person who has the coolest clothes isn't always the solution to finding a true friend. Find someone who will always be there for you and be aware that most of the time, popularity isn't likely to bring that for you. Indeed, when you're exceptionally popular, you won't always feel like you have a really true, deep down, accepting friend. Be careful what you wish for.
8. Realize that being fake is the ultimate means to undermine your own self. Popularity is fake, fleeting and ephemeral; what's worse is that everyone can see right through it even as they pretend to honor the current popularity. Realize that they're ready to change their allegiance when the next best thing comes along though, that's how fickle allies are to popularity.
   • Think it through. Is this all real? Or is it just a game? Be honest to yourself and think about the consequences to yourself and those you really do care about in your life. Tell yourself what you think. Stand for what you believe in and don't be fake.
9. Love others for who they are. Being popular for the right reasons is a lot harder because it isn't about shaping your world or pursuing certain ways of being or appearances. Rather, it's about respecting others as they are and engaging people with interest, compassion and love. If that seems goofy or hard, then it's probable you haven't yet tried it. Real popularity (if there is such a thing) involves being attractive to people because you make them feel attractive about themselves. Notice what others do and say, believe in people, lift their spirits and praise them. As Jeremy Bentham once said, "The best way to make them think you love them, is to love them in reality." There is no easy way around this but the good news is that doing so is guaranteed to make you feel happier too.